What you learned from me
by mishy-mo
Summary: EPISODE TAG for Threads and Grace Jacob thinks on how to make his little girl happy, and wonders if her perception of love is so because of him


What you learned from me

I watch you closely, as often as I can. I watch with my experienced eyes trained on the subtle changes in your body language and expression. I watch as I have done since you were a child. In the years that you where mine I watched you grow before my eyes. Watched you make your own mind, own dreams and own life.

Even now that you are fully-grown, a woman, I watch still, as any doting father would.

I notice when you're hurt, I notice when you're tense and I notice when you're hiding.

Hiding from the fact that you're not truly happy, hiding from the feeling that this extraordinary life that you lead does not fulfill your childhood dreams. And yet you can't see it.

Your work keeps you so busy that you are blind to the shouts and screams of your own heart. You're oblivious to the fact that you're not complete.

But my skilled eyes see through your barriers. I can see your pain and I wonder what holds you back.

Did you learn this from me?

Despite the trials that you face everyday, despite the numerous battles that you have won and fears that you have overcome, are you afraid to fall in love?

You are afraid that the game of love is just something you can't win, afraid that it will all end in pain.

I watch you now but I know that you watched me just after your mother died. You looked to me for support, no doubt, but all you saw was someone in immeasurable pain.

You always were a perceptive child, as sharp as they come.

And I suppose that I was naïve.

In your own loss I thought you would be lost, and you would not see me break down, that you would not notice that when your mother was gone I was less of a father, less of a man, less of a human being even.

I think that it was that time, that half person you had for a father for six months that made you so.

I lay here and I watch (probably for the last few hours). I watch as the pain drenched tears slide down your face and I know that they were my fault. I am the source of these tears and I am the one who will cause another wave of pain in your constantly changing life. But my only wish, as I lay here now is that your life is happier.

Five years ago I was faced with death much in that same way as I am now. I found you, working under some god damned mountain, rather than chasing the stars like you were born to do. I was a father wanting to make sure that his child had achieved the goals in their life, I wanted to make sure that you where happy before I died. I did not realise that a job at NASA was not what could make you truly happy, you already had the job that you wanted but it was something else that could make you happy.

Then I saw it. Just a complete and utter comfortable aura that surrounded you both.

He was the one Sam.

He IS the one.

I see that only he can make you happy.

And I want to see you have your chance at happiness; your chance at love.

I tell you to break the rules, to follow your heart. The look of worry, confusion and chaos that crosses your face is not a surprise to me. Though you may have admitted to yourself sometime ago it seems as though you have become blind to your heart again, but I see it, my eyes can almost see your every thought.

But that was sometime ago and since then you have been the one watching over me; watching over the last few hours of my life were I say good by to the friends I have acquired over these extra five years, and those who have known me for longer.

Drifting between this life and the next, I see through my dropping lids.

I see him protecting you, trying to comfort you and shield you from your pain. Your hand in his, fingers entwined, a picture of how well you fit together.

You have a love that is untouchable, from your eyes I can tell it runs deep within your soul reaching out to him.

A black veil clouds my vision, and with such clarity I've never felt before I know that you will be complete and he will be there to watch over when I'm gone.

The monitors change their song, the tempo now erratic compared with the steady beat that has echoed through the room for the last hours. I feel your hand in mine and see your shining blue eyes that remind me of your mother.

I want to tell you goodbye and to follow your heart, but the power of speech has left me. I am conscious as a darkness shudders through me, making my muscles tense for the last time before relaxing, as if to compensate your grip on my hand becomes stronger, but even the sensations of your hand in mine are dimming. I glance at your love then back to you and realise that no further words are necessary, but as darkness takes me I have enough strength in me to utter the words 'love you'. The monitor changes once more, the splutters of my heart in its dieing moments amplified to reverberate round the room, and I'm no longer aware of this world but for the sounds and the sight of your eyes.

Darkness takes me. But I know you'll be happy, be complete. You'll love and be loved in return.


End file.
